A Modest Proposal

A few months ago (probably at the beginning of the year, being that is the resolution time and all) my company offered this special discount with Weight Watchers. We still had to pay an inane amount of money to join, and the WW food wasn't discounted or anything, but we could pull out the payments from our paycheck so that we were losing weight tax free!!! And there was much rejoicing.

The response was...luke warm at best, I'd say. We got several emails from HR demanding asking people to join. Naturally, all of the people who don't need to do Weight Watchers joined. It was around this time that HR put pressure on one of my associates to get ME to join the program. This really pissed me off. Not because I'm not a fatass (I'll admit to being one readily), but just the gall of someone to think they can pressure a person into doing something they don't want to do just because they're in the front of the building...well, I shan't start on HR people. At my old job, the HR idiots directors were sneaking, conniving, evil people. Here, they just call you fat and pressure you into losing weight.

I realize that having a not-overweight workforce is something that companies see as leading to lower insurance costs. I won't deny the logic here. People who aren't grossly overweight make better, healthier, more productive workers. What I'm still pissed about is the notion that the HR woman felt the need to pressure me through another person in the company (this person had already signed up for the program).

The thing that pisses me off, though, aside from HR's antics and all the people who don't need to lose eight joining and that we still have to pay for food, meetings, blah blah blah is the really pathetic notion that people feel they need to have a group supporting them in order to lose weight. It's one thing to be supported by your spouse, especially if he/she does the shopping. It's entirely different to sit around a powwow once or twice a week telling everyone what you forcibly allowed to slither down your throat. Well, here's some news for you, folks: you ain't gonna lose weight unless you want to lose weight. The group means dick when it comes to weight loss, unless the group is going to show up at your house and slap the brownie away from your mouth upon its final approach. If you don't have the willpower to stop licking the cream from between Little Debbie's cookies and shoving ho-hos in your Twinkie hole, you probably should just end it now. Quick tip for you: the best way to lose ten pounds of ugly fat is to just cut off your head.

One other thing that pisses me off, and then I'll get to my point. I'm tempted to go on the Subway diet. Real tempted, except I'm not fooled by Senor Fatass Jared. I hate to tell people who buy into this whole notion that white bread and mayonnaise sammiches ain't the solution to your weight problem. What Subway neglects to tell you is that Senor Fatass walked/jogged for three hours a day in the park beside the optometry school at Indiana. I know this because my best friend went to optometry school at Indiana. So, it wasn't the highly processed carbohydrate-laden buns nor the processed fat-laden mayonnaise on those sammiches which caused Jared to shed the poundage, it was exercise. Gasp! A novel fucking concept.

Now, on the other hand, my wife has a friend/manager who received for Christmas a Nintendo Wii. Since Santa placed this sinful bunch of silicon wafers and circuits under the tree, Ms. Manager has lost 20-25 pounds. I'm willing to bet the last few ounces of Dr. Pepper in my bottle that most, if not all, of the Weight Watchers people did not lose that much weight. Wow. That almost sounds like--gasp! again--exercise! What a concept!

So, here's my proposal the next time HR feels the need to shake the fat tree that I've shinnied up: subsidize my Wii and allow me to buy games tax free. I mean, if I can lose 25 pounds in six months, isn't that getting me to the same goal as the Weight Watchers crowd? I believe it is. Oh, and it's a helluva lot more fun than eating white bread sammiches, counting points, and waiting for the approval of "the group".

So...what do you say, HR? First one to -50 lbs wins?